Love is a word that has been watered down. It means so many different things to different people that it’s worth asking, What does it mean to love someone? To love yourself? To love your body?
I can say I love someone but if the impact of my beliefs, words and actions hurts them and they don’t feel my love, do I really love them?
This question was beautifully broached in the Let Her Rest episode of Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things podcast recently. The podcast conversation was around addicts who say they love their family while hurting them with their choices, and evangelical Christians who believe that homosexuality and queerness is a hell-worthy sin while also professing their love for gay and queer family and friends.
While these are extreme love dynamics, we can use the conversation to explore love in all kinds of relationships.
Glennon first invites clarity on our definition of love. For her, rather than simply having “warm feelings” for someone, she defines love as “a fierce celebration of what a person is.” She goes on to say that love stands up for the loved one when they are present ~ offering support, encouragement and celebration ~ and when they are not present ~ in our prayers, words to others, and in the voting booth.
The dictionary defines love as “an intense feeling of deep affection.” My husband reminds me that love is not a noun, it is a verb. Love is not something you feel, it’s something you do. Love is your thoughts, words and actions in support of and for the happiness and well-being of the loved one.
Glennon’s “fierce celebration” requires that in order to know if we are loving, we have to ask the loved one if they feel it.
The thought of asking my most precious people if they feel loved by me leaves me in a mish mash heap of feelings. I know for a fact that intention doesn’t matter, impact matters. I recognize that while there are some who probably would say they feel my love, others not so much. It’s likely, a certainty even, that some know I’m doing love in my way but they aren’t feeling it.
If the question feels scary to ask others, another place to start is with ourselves. What comes up when you ask your body, “Do you feel loved by me?” What do you know when you ask your mind and emotions, “How could I love you better?” What would you do differently based on the answers you get?
Love is a word that is thrown around in our culture on everything from greeting cards to pop songs, memes to coffee mugs. The word and the action is confusing when we are thinking, talking and living it in different ways. What is your definition of love and how do you put it into action in all your relationships?