Pain, Fear & Gratitude: An Adventure in Interoception

In the span of less than 18 months, I broke both of my fifth metatarsals (the outside foot bone below the little toe). The first was in February of 2021 while doing agility work in my studio. I jumped and landed on a piece of wood, breaking the bone in 4 places. The other was in July 2022 on our trip to Minnesota while dancing in the grass with my family.

By January of this year, both feet had healed. My body was OK, but my mind and heart were still reeling. Both breaks were tagged by orthopedists as “freak accidents.” The one in the grass, I wasn’t jumping or doing anything bonkers, it just...broke. The first one required surgery but it was the randomness of the second injury that terrified me even more. If that could happen, anything could happen.

Even after some somatic therapy, I was still rattled by even the slightest pain in my feet. After practicing sensation-centered movement for more than two decades, my body awareness is fine-tuned. What I lost after the injuries was an accurate interpretation of the sensations I was receiving.

In her July 2023 New Yorker piece, The Paradox of Listening to Our Bodies, Jessica Wapner explores interoception – our inner sense that links our bodies and minds — and how it can both guide us helpfully and sometimes tell us things that simply aren’t true.

She writes:

[E]ven if you’re receiving a strong signal from your body, it can be inaccurate. Consistently perfect interoception is impossible: sometimes we listen to our hearts, but they have the wrong message; at other times, the message is right, but we don’t hear it. The body itself changes our capacity to listen. … And interoception is complicated by the fact that it’s tightly tied to our personal experiences. Whatever happened to us in the past—a dangerous encounter with a stranger, a scary movie that made a big impression, time on the battlefield—alters how our bodies respond in the future. If a person’s responses are sufficiently shaped by such experiences, then listening to her body might lead her astray.

Since the second fracture, this is exactly where I was. I’d feel a sensation — something I would probably have ignored a few years ago — and spiral into throat clenching fear that I’d hurt myself again. A twinge, an ache, a mis-step on a rocky path and I’d plunge into anxiety that I’d broken something.

Wapner explains:

One of the lessons of interoception research … is that access and accuracy don’t necessarily go together. Just because we have a bad feeling doesn’t make it right. It’s unwise to assume that increasing people’s interoceptive curiosity will solve their problems. It could be that “you’re just training them to read a signal that’s actually giving them really bad information,” [Tim Dalgleish, a psychologist at the University of Cambridge] said; it can even be useful for someone to be “trained to ignore their body.”

After months of cycling in and out of intense anxiety, an x-ray confirmed there was, in fact, nothing structurally wrong with my feet. Since then, I’ve been learning to heal my interoceptive connection with myself. How do I feel sensation and interpret it more accurately?

In a recent episode of the Circle of Willis podcast, Dr. Jim Coan describes his own experience of interoceptive inaccuracy following his near-fatal heart attack. Now instead of calling 911 every time he feels pressure in his chest, he is learning to feel what he feels without stepping onto the ledge of fear. [Dr. Coan’s story is confirming and wise and this whole episode is excellent.]

Anxiety ramped up for me as this year’s big trip to visit our Minnesota family approached. It was smack-dab in the middle of the trip last year that the second fracture happened – while simply dancing in the grass, I’ll remind you – and I was up to my eyelashes in superstitious (maybe even PTSD) anxiety that it would happen again.

It didn’t.

Here is a look at a few parts of the trip and what was happening on the outside and on the inside of my interoceptive head.

Fri, July 7 ~ Warren Dunes State Park

Outside:

Warren Dunes State Park hike to Lake Michigan

A hike over massive dunes along Lake Michigan. Steep climb with deep sand that leads to the lake where we swim and look for interesting stones.

Inside:

Look! A stone that matches my shirt!

I worry about the deep soft sand. How will my feet deal with it? Some say walking in sand is good for them, some say it is the worst. Breathe, Susan. You’re OK. Get in the water and relax.

Sat, July 15 ~ BerGlandia in Elk River, Minnesota

Outside:

Berglandia 2023!

Our yearly big family gathering! Four generations! A class in the grass! Food (Cookie Salad. It’s a thing!), laughter, singing, splashing. Conversations about books and Ted Lasso (you know, the important stuff).

Inside:

Super anxious to be back exactly where the second break happened, exactly one year later. Just walking into the yard zings my nervous system. Offering my family a class in the grass again is scary … and also freeing. I feel lighter afterward. It is worth facing the fear rather than avoiding. Look, Susan, it can go another way.

Sat & Sun July 22 & 23 ~ Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore

Outside:

Perimeter Trail, Grand Island, Michigan.

Our two most physical days of the trip: a 20-mile mountain bike ride on Grand Island (including a messy confrontation with a mud puddle) and a 10-mile hike along the Pictured Rocks Lakeshore.

Inside:

Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore. That’s ME!

I am afraid I can’t do this ride. I have a Swiss commuter bike with skinny tires! What if I crash? Just keep pedaling. I can do this. Even with skinny tires. Even if I fall in a mud puddle.

Ten miles on a rocky, muddy trail. What if something happens way out in the woods? What if my feet are tired after all the biking yesterday? One step at a time, sister. Keep walking and taking in the beauty. You’re OK. The cold water of Superior is a balm.

Fri, July 28 ~ Youghiogheny River, Ohiopyle State Park

Outside:

Youghiogheny River, Ohiopyle State Park. Me swimming.

We drive and bike and hike to a secluded stretch of river. We perch on the rocks, read books, watch trains and a flock of mergansers. I make my way through mud and rocks to swim in the cool water.

Inside:

I’ve worn the wrong shoes. My foot aches after walking in muck and on unstable rocks. Oh darlin. You’re OK. You’re walking fine. Give it some rest and some salve. You’re OK, you really are.

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My interoception seems to be shifting. Being present with sensation without attaching a whole story about what those sensations mean is a practice. After 26 days of adventuring, I am deeply grateful for everything my body allows me to do.

After any traumatic experience – whether it’s a physical injury, a health condition, or an emotional loss -- it takes time to reorient and recalibrate our sense of ourselves in the world. New experiences and anniversaries can be times of heightened fear and also times to show up and reset our connections both inside and out.

Travel: A “Conversation” About Whether or Not and Why

Right now, my office is stacked with boxes of oat milk, cans of beans, a case of mineral water and packages of pasta. A storage crate stands open with odds and ends of hiking clothes and swimsuits piled inside.

There are lists, my friends. Oh there are lists everywhere.

The Wilderness of My Office, right now

Travel takes energy: planning, packing, preparing, arranging for care of pets and plants. As I sit in this big pile of food and clothes and lists, one might ask, “Why travel?”

False Cape State Park, Virginia 2020

“[We] cannot discover new oceans unless [we have] the courage to lose sight of the shore.” – André Gide

Well, OK, we aren’t Lewis & Clark or anything. Staying at State Parks in a camper with its own bathroom (with bidet, I kid you not) takes approximately zero courage. And yet it does take some energy to put the wheels in motion nearly a year ago to make reservations and plans that will get us half way across the country and back.

But could it be argued that we could have an adventure right here at home?

How we absolutely seek new landscapes. Le Que 2013.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

Proust reminds us that it matters less what we are seeing and more how we are seeing. I could be on the edge of Grand Canyon and if I’m not paying attention, curious, or open to awe, I might as well be on the edge of a Walmart parking lot.

But is Proust exhorting us not to travel? Because it sounds like Seth Godin is.

Laundry like prayer flags. Dancing Water 2021.

“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don't need to escape from.” ― Seth Godin

I get this. I do. I’ve been there. I’ve lived a life in which I dreaded Mondays, couldn’t wait for Fridays and held it together only with the promise of vacation. (In fact, the very word “vacation” implies an evacuation, vacating the premises of our lives.) That time felt like a lot of unlived days, waiting for something.

Yet that isn’t the case for me these days, I love my work and my home and my community. I love being home. But something shifts for me when I get into new and unfamiliar territory. I think I can love my life and still want to travel.

Shenandoah National Park. October 2020.

“Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.”― Jack Kerouac

Right on, Jack. At the end of every year, when our family shares our favorite memories, nearly always they came from the adventure of travel. Memories associated with novelty and emotion, two things that are in abundance while traveling, are sharper than those of things we do more regularly (no matter how much we love them).

It feels important to remember that travel is not just a way to relax but also a way to shake us up a little.

Me, hunting invasive plants. Porcupine Mountain Wilderness. 2022.

“We travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us.” – Anonymous

Odd as it sounds, we can somehow get caught up in the doings of our days and forget that we are here to live. As Maurice Sendak said in one of his last interviews, “Live your life. Live your life. Live your life.” Travel feels alive. Seeing and experiencing new things has a freshness – like breathing pure oxygen. Of course, not every moment of travel feels like this. There is plenty of slog in traveling (see aforementioned piles and whatnot), but even the slog in a different place feels, well, less sloggy.

One of my favorite reasons to travel, though, doesn’t even happen when we travel. It’s when we come home.

Phoenix. Awaiting us patiently. 2022.

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” – Terry Pratchett

The gifts of travel flow beyond the edges of the trip itself. I see my everyday life through a different lens after being away. I remember what I love about it. Travel helps me appreciate home.

Whether or not you wander away from home this summer, remember that travel really is a voyage of mind and heart as much as body. Follow the wisdom of Proust or Pratchett, Jack or Seth, but be willing to be changed by whatever you do.

PLEASE NOTE: I will be traveling for the month of July. I will be back writing and offering classes in August!

Sit Funny: One Movement That Changes Everything

My high school history teacher, Mr. Gross called me Lady Godiva. Which, looking back, probably wasn’t 100% appropriate. To be clear, the nickname was in reference to me sitting “side saddle” in my chair, not my lack of clothing.

In school, I was the kid who “sat funny.” I was always getting called out for arranging myself at those uncomfortable all-in-one school desks in unconventional ways. I’d sit cross legged or with one foot on the chair seat or some other arrangement of limbs that was not normal and somehow was deemed distracting.

While it annoyed the bejeezus out of my parents and teachers, sitting funny was a little bit genius. My body was onto something. Human bodies aren’t designed to sit still in the same position for hours and hours.

Our bodies are designed to move. And sit on the floor.

For more than two decades, I’ve led hundreds of bodies in movement. The sore low backs, tight hips, and tender knees I see all the time often lead back to our chair-sitting lives. Even for folks with a regular movement practice—but who also sit in their cars, at their desks, at the dinner table and on the couch— experience the impact of chair sitting. Especially as we enter our 5th, 6th, 7th decade and beyond, it’s worth questioning how much we sit in chairs.

If someone were to ask me what to do about this accumulation of body discomfort and dysfunction, I’d say there is one movement that makes the difference: sit on the floor.

Adults often think that sitting or moving on the floor is kids’ stuff. Kiddos can squat and crawl and sit and play on the floor with complete ease. It’s almost a sign of being grown up when we stop doing that. And therein lie the cranky backs, slumped shoulders and sticky hips.

Set up a floor-based work station!

If you were going to do one thing for your body, I recommend spending some time on the floor. You can set up your home work station with a low table or the seat of a chair. You can watch TV or scroll your phone sitting on the floor. You can play with your pet or kid on the floor.

It doesn’t have to be fancy or one more thing to do and it doesn’t have to take a lot of time. Just give your body some different positions to be in on the floor. Unlike sitting in a chair, your body will signal you to change positions more often when you’re on the floor than when you’re on a comfy squishy chair!

Importantly, there are lots of ways to do this. If your spine tends to round forward when you sit on the floor (usually due to tight muscles in the front and weak ones in the back), sit on a cushion or two. If it feels more relaxing, lean against a couch or a wall.

If your spine rounds forward when you sit on the floor…

Sit on a cushion to lift your hips and lengthen your spine!

Everybody knows criss-cross-applesauce — the classic cross legged seat — but here we’re going to explore beyond that. Play around with your Today Body and see what it tells you both while you’re on the floor and when you get on your feet again.

Beyond criss-cross-applesauce:

Creative Floor Sitting Positions

One Knee Kneeling

My heel is close to my body but if that doesn’t feel good, shift it forward!

This position is particularly good for improving ankle mobility. You can see here that when my foot is under my knee, I need a deep ankle flexion. If that doesn’t work for you, move your foot out further in front and gradually move it in. The foot that’s under you can either be long with toenails down (shown here) or tucked under. Both positions are good for feet and ankles.

Mermaid

Let the knees fall to one side to give the hip joint a different orientation than chair sitting that invites more mobility.

Mermaid with Tail Unfurled

And when knees want to shift out of mermaid, you can unfurl one leg…

V-Sit

...or two!

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It is not an overstatement to say that one of the keys to living independently is our ability to get up and down off the floor. Sitting on the floor is one way to practice that essential movement on the regular.

I call my classes Nourishing Movement for a reason. Dance and exercise are great but dynamic living is more about incorporating movement into everything we already do.

Let’s start a revolution of people who Sit Funny.

P.S. If you’re interested in more about how to incorporate more everyday movement, you can check out these resources which all inspire me:

Juliet and Kelly Starrett just published their latest book, Built to Move (can’t wait to read it) and here they are interviewed on Ten Percent Happier.

Katy Bowman is my go-to when it comes to organic, throughout-the-day movement. She’s got books and a podcast and all the things here.

Recently, I discovered the “rewilding” work of Tony Riddle and he has introduced me to a number of movements that I’d never experienced before.

My YouTube Channel also has a library of Movement Snacks – short tastes of movement you can weave into your day!

‘Crastination: Pro- or Pre- ?

Procrastination. It’s defined as “putting off intentionally and habitually or putting off intentionally the doing of something that should be done” and we all have some kind of experience with it.

My favorite procrastinator, Tim Urban wrote a classic 2013 post on why procrastinators procrastinate that’s funny and smart and full of goofy stick figure cartoons. Even if you’ve read it before, it’s absolutely worth reading again. He also gave an excellent TED Talk on the same subject.

Tim Urban’s classic piece on procrastination

As intelligent and hilarious as he is, I’ll tell you the truth: listening to Urban talk about his procrastination makes my stomach hurt. He writes,

I would do [papers] the night before, until I realized I could just do them through the night, and I did that until I realized I could actually start them in the early morning on the day they were due. This behavior reached caricature levels when I was unable to start writing my 90-page senior thesis until 72 hours before it was due….

Just reading this makes me want to put my head down. The stress of even thinking about leaving everything to the very last minute nauseates me.

Procrastination, to state the obvious, is a form of avoidance. There is a task that we don’t want to do and the solution for a procrastinator is to just not do it – sometimes not until the last possible moment.

I am decidedly not a procrastinator. I’ve actually been a little proud about this for most of my life. I am someone who faces the sticky tasks right away. I am someone who works on what needs doing as soon as I can. I, unlike Tim Urban, am someone who turned in my senior thesis three weeks early.

Yes, that’s me with a puffed up chest and a slow, wise nod.

I thought I am not someone who avoids things.

Until I heard an interview with Adam Grant, professor at the Wharton School of Business specializing in organizational psychology. In his conversation about perfectionism on Ten Percent Happier, Dr. Grant talks about how a fear of not being perfect can lead to avoidance.

Adam Grant interviewed on Ten Percent Happier

Which confused me since I would have said I wrassle with perfectionism (it was why I was listening to the podcast), but I don’t procrastinate. Avoidance isn’t my thing.

Then Dr. Grant shared that he is not a procrastinator but that his avoidance is precrastination. Wait, what? Precrastination is the act of completing tasks as soon as possible even if it costs extra effort or the quality of the outcome deteriorates.

Avoidance, it turns out, comes in lots of flavors. Procrastination is just one of them. Another way of avoiding is to precrastinate, to rush to completion, to check it off the list.

I immediately saw myself in this. Me, the Queen of Get’ ‘er Done (see the aforementioned senior thesis). The Mistress of Delayed Gratification (a kid who ate my least favorite Halloween candy first). The Champ of Knocking it Out Lickety Split...was actually my own kind of avoidance.

Research shows that precrastination is a perhaps surprisingly common approach to all kinds of tasks. You might grab the first parking spot you find at the grocery store even if it means schlepping your bags further. You might spend a lot of time doing less-important, less-impactful tasks because you want to cross stuff off your list. You might go with the first idea you have even if thinking about it more or working on it longer would give you a better result.

Check. Check. And check.

I know that some of the best creative work I’ve done – in the movement studio, at my art table, and in my writing -- is when I’ve given myself time to think about and hone the project rather than rushing to completion.

So whether you are a procrastinator or precrastinator, notice when you are putting off doing something or rushing to do something.

Ask yourself, am I NOT doing something because

(a) I am avoiding or

(b) because I know that letting it percolate will give a better outcome?

Am I DOING something because

(a) I want to get it over with and check the box or

(b) because I know that working on it now will produce something better?

Most of us avoid things that feel unpleasant or potentially unpleasant. It’s completely normal and understandable and is unlikely to give you the best results. Instead, look to the underlying motivation. Check out what your tendencies are. Know your flavor of ‘crastination and make choices from there.

Graceful Transition: Plan, Prepare & Relax

Moving house. Changing jobs. Retiring. A kid leaving home. Grieving a loss. Getting ready to travel. Finishing something big (or small). Starting something big (or small). Changing a habit. Healing.

Transitions are happening all the time. I mean, literally, ALL THE TIME. Yet even with all that practice, transition can be emotional: uncomfortable, sad, exciting and even scary (or all of the above). And it doesn’t have to be big transitions. When I finish my delicious breakfast bowl and tea, I can feel a ripple of, “Sigh…that’s over. Now what?”

When I was leading a team of movement teachers, we worked together on teaching skills. We always focused attention on transitions since it was a place where we all tended to stumble. Some folks did better when they practiced a lot. Others spent time right before teaching quieting their body and mind. Still others did a combination. After years of practice and collaboration we agreed on this: whatever you can do to relax will help everybody relax throughout the experience.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the transitions in a day, a movement class, or a life, these can be the places where we get stuck or anxious or avoidant. We might turn away from the change or rush into it prematurely. We might pretend it’s not happening or obsess about it.

The happiest people I know are the ones who can gracefully navigate transition.

Even and especially for those of us who are anxious (looking at you/me, worriers) or avoidant (looking at you/me, procrastinators) transition skills can be learned. And those skills translate to big transitions and small, expected transitions and ones that happen suddenly.

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Graceful Transition: Plan, Prepare & Relax

Plan

Planning helps direct preparation. Photo: Rebecca George Photography

When presented with a transition – no matter if you’ve known about it for years, like retirement or you have no lead time at all, like an injury or diagnosis – give yourself as much time as you can to prepare yourself for the changes. Acknowledge that this is what is happening, uncertainty is integral to a transition and there are likely to be bobbles along the way.

If you have time, think through or write down what needs to happen, what you would love to happen and what you can do to coax things in that general direction. It doesn’t have to be a big process, breathe and take what time you have to plan. If you’re moving house, for example, you might consider what you want to do before you leave the old house (like clear out storage areas or have dinner with neighbors) and what you want to do at the new house (like paint the kitchen or replace light fixtures). If your kiddo is going to school, perhaps you want to have some one-on-one time with them that’s not just shopping for their dorm room. There’s no telling if those things will happen, but they are far more likely to happen if you’ve been able to think it through.

If you don’t have time to plan, just breathe and acknowledge that the transition is happening. Fighting reality is always a losing battle. Breathe again and remind yourself that you can figure things out as they unfold.

Plan TL;DR (too long; didn’t read)

Planning can be as simple as breathing and adjusting to the change. It can also include thinking through the transition in as much or as little detail as you have capacity for. When in doubt, breathe and relax.

Prepare

Preparing helps smooth the transition. Photo: Rebecca George Photography

Once you’ve settled yourself with whatever planning you can do, it’s time for the action of preparation. It’s likely or perhaps even inevitable that there are more things involved in the transition that you thought when you were planning. Expect this. Simply add them to the plan and keep preparing.

If you’re getting ready for a trip, check the parts and pieces of your camping gear, find your passport, arrange for a pet sitter. If you’re getting ready to retire, start wrapping up projects and shifting them to their new owner, set up time with colleagues to express appreciation and talk through how to make the shift easier on everybody. If you’re leading a movement class, listen carefully to the music for when you could cue for changes.

Preparation will reveal what is actually essential and what are nice-to-haves (and what are avoidance in disguise). Preparation smooths the road and is a way of transitioning into the transition. If you don’t have time to prepare, just breathe and know that you will do your best given the circumstances.

Prepare TL;DR

Preparation can be as simple as determining what absolutely must happen (like pack a credit card and my passport or get myself to the hospital) and can be as complex as having scheduled stages of transition (like engaging a team of people complete with lists and clipboards and timelines to help move a company to new offices). When in doubt, breathe and relax.

Relax

Sometimes the cat sits on your work. Of course she does. It’s OK. Photo: Rebecca George Photography

Few transitions go exactly as planned. Expect bumps and wobbles. Things change, decisions shift, monkey wrenches get thrown. As the movement team learned, whatever you can do to help yourself relax through a transition makes it easier on everybody. If you weren’t able to plan, it’s OK. If you weren’t able to prepare, it’s OK. That’s just the way it goes sometimes. Start where you are with what will make the biggest impact. Moving house? Get the beds set up and give everybody snacks. New job? Get the big picture and identify the highest priorities (and bring snacks). Grieving a loss? Do what would put your heart even a little more at ease. Or lie down with a snack.

Relax TL;DR

Whatever you can do to relax through a transition is worth doing. Do it. And bring snacks.

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Transitions are inevitable. They aren’t a problem but rather a sign of life. Plan, Prepare & Relax for small transitions like getting ready for friends to come for dinner or starting a small project. The more experience you have with low stakes transitions, the more relaxed you will be when the transitions are big or sudden.

Even while packing, there is time to relax. Photo: Rebecca George Photography

TL;DR

Transitions are normal. Breathe. Relax. Snacks. You got this.