A pat on the back, a caress of the arm—these are everyday, incidental gestures that we usually take for granted, thanks to our amazingly dexterous hands. But [these gestures] are far more profound than we usually realize: They are our primary language of compassion; ... touch is truly fundamental to human communication, bonding, and health. ~ Dacher Keltner
I wake up from a nightmare.
I’m running late and stuck in traffic.
A colleague disagrees with me and speaks sharply.
All of these scenarios send my heart galloping. My body tenses and my focus narrows to only what’s frightening, frustrating or upsetting. In all of these situations, I do one thing to calm and gather myself: I put hands on my body.
Science shows that human touch is essential to human development, health and thriving. There are times, though, that touch from another is either unavailable or unsafe (like, say, in a board meeting, in the middle of the night or during a global pandemic). In these situations, self touch also works wonders to calm the nervous system.
Effective system-settling self-touch is highly personal: what works well for one person may not for another. Experimenting with touch that works for you when you don’t need it, will make it more accessible when you do.
Here are three ways I use my hands to ground myself when I feel physically, emotionally or mentally upset (with suggestions for variations if these don’t work for you).
3 Simple SOOTHING Self-Touch Tools
1. Cradle Head & Neck
This is one of my favorite holds for when I feel rattled. I learned it in the midst of lock down from Jane Clapp, an expert in the intersection of the body and psyche and I’ve been using it ever since.
HOW TO DO IT:
Take one palm and place it on your forehead, the other palm on your neck where it meets your skull. Hold gently and firmly until your breath deepens. If you’re very rattled, switch hands and hold for a while longer. I think of it as integrating the lizard brain in the brain stem and the prefrontal cortex behind your forehead.
IF THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU:
Touch your head or face in a way that feels calming: hold your cheeks gently, massage your neck or your temples, gently press the heels of your hands on your eyes, comb through your hair with your fingers and/or gently tug on your hair.
2. Thumb Palm Press
This simple acupressure touch surprises me every time with how quickly my breath deepens. It’s a great one to do in a meeting or at the dinner table or anywhere you feel yourself revving up.
HOW TO DO IT:
Press the flat of one thumb into the center of the opposite palm as you inhale and gently release as you exhale. Keep pressing and releasing in sync with your breath for a minute or so and then switch hands.
IF THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU:
This video shows three acupressure points to use and you can also experiment with gently squeezing your thumb with your opposite hand, massaging the big muscle at the base of your thumb or simply holding your own hand.
3. Shoulder Squeeze
Hugs can be one of the most healing things humans can do together, but it isn’t always the best choice. For some people and in some circumstances, a full on hug is too intense and confronting. Sometimes the best approach is to come at calming from the side.
HOW TO DO IT:
(For yourself) Take one or both hands across your chest and gently squeeze and release one or both shoulders. Remind yourself that you’ve got your own back, and that you are safe and ok (as long as that’s true, of course).
(For someone else) If someone seems too upset to be able to receive an embrace and/or if they have trouble with face-to-face interactions, ask if you can sit next to them so your shoulders touch and/or if you can sit next to them and put your arm around their shoulder. Gently squeeze to reassure them that you are there.
IF THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU:
(For yourself) Use your hands to ground yourself by gently squeezing your forearms, your upper arms, or your thighs. Use the sensation to remind yourself that you are OK.
(For another) Ask if you can sit behind them so they can lean into you without being face-to-face or hugging. Always ask for permission and ask them what would feel most supportive to them right now (even if you’ve had an interaction with them in the past).
Touch is essential to human thriving. Even as the pandemic shifts and we are out in the world more, many of us are not getting as much touch as we need. Especially when you feel unsettled or upset, use your own hands to ground, calm and relax yourself. Your more regulated nervous system will positively impact those around you, whether or not you physically touch.
This morning I woke with a start from a frightening dream. I sat on the edge of my bed, breathing hard. I was grateful for having written this for you, since I had three kinds of self-soothing in the front of my mind. I used them all. I hope you will, too. If you have other moves or holds that support you, please share them in the comments below.
P.S. Some of my favorite research on touch was done by Dr. Jim Coan from the University of Virginia about the power of holding hands. So if you have someone you can hold hands with...DO!