“My second-grade teacher, Ms. Edson, told us: If something feels too hard to do, it just means that the first step isn’t small enough. So often when we’re struggling, we tell ourselves that it’s a sign that we’re broken or that something is our fault, and then we freeze. But when something is too hard in the moment, tell yourself Ms. Edson’s advice.”
- Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist, parenting expert and founder of Good Inside

In the past couple of months, I’ve had many conversations that have gone something like this:

Me: Hey. How are you? (I ask out of habit but when Person gives me a stricken look, I remember that this is no longer a throw-away question. So I down-shift.) I mean, really, how are you?
Person (wide eyed): Well. Things are a mess. There is so much going on that is terrible. I don’t know what to do.
Me: Yeah, I know. I feel it, too. It’s so hard. It’s a lot. It really is.
Person (is it possible that their eyes are vibrating slightly?): I mean. I’m just one person. And I don’t have much money. Or time. I want to do something but … I don’t know where to start. *waves hands around* There’s so much. I’m trying to keep track of it all and *more waving* I want to do something to help but I don’t know what to do.

These conversations could be about something personally overwhelming – a struggling child, an aging parent, their own health issue, or a rift with a friend or partner. The conversation could be around the overwhelming sh*t show of our world right now with massive upheaval, reckless destruction, and intentional destabilization. For some, it’s both.

I’m always grateful when people tell me the truth about how they are rather than blankly (and unconvincingly) saying they are “fine.”* When we tell the truth, we understand that we are in or have been in the same overfull, overwhelmed boat.

For me, I notice two things when I feel like I’m up to my eyelashes in leach-infested water:

I feel a buzz and I separate from my body. For me, there is a swirling feeling in my head and I may get foggy or confused or even feel a little light-headed. When another layer of awful lands, my mind tries unsuccessfully to take it in and, like my friend’s waving hands, I float a little outside my own skin.
I get scattered and distracted and I’m not sure what the best next thing to do is. In writing this essay, I got pulled away a bunch of times to answer another email, respond to a question, prepare some food, answer a survey, read an article, listen to a talk, prepare for a class. I come back to writing and I can’t remember what my point was. I look at my list of things to do and everything goes a little fuzzy.

This is why I love the quote from Dr. Becky Kennedy, above, about her 2nd grade teacher’s advice to find a smaller next step. When you’re in the swirl of an overwhelming, challenging time, here are things that can help:

1 ~ Get in your body. Feel your feet on the floor, the sensation of your physical self by connecting to sensation. Look around and see color and movement. Drink some cold water or warm tea. Listen to whatever sounds are around you. Give yourself a squeeze: shoulders, hands, thighs or hold your face. And breathe. Which leads to…

2 ~ Get as calm as you can. Once you feel yourself in your body, do whatever works for you to settle your nervous system. It might be doing more of the things above, or maybe it’s intentional breathing, maybe it’s wrapping yourself in a blanket or putting a weighted pillow on your lap. Then once you feel more calm…

3 ~ Find one small thing you can do to next help (including helping yourself). This part is key: choose what your next step is and make it a small one. Super small. Embarrassingly small. Instead of calling all your representatives, just write down their names and numbers. Instead of tackling that project, just find the files you need and put them on your desk. Instead of going to visit your sick friend every day, set up a time to call them or send them a card. Instead of going to every protest that happens, commit to showing up for one...for 10 minutes. Make it small but commit to doing it.

3A ~ Ask for support or help in doing your small thing. Going to a protest for the first time (or the 100th) and feeling wobbly? Ask a friend to join you. Putting off your writing? Ask a friend to text you at a particular time to ask how it’s going. Going to get a test done or receive results from the doctor? Bring someone with you so you don’t have to do it alone. Just the asking for support can be your small next thing.

4 ~ Repeat. Then start over. It’s likely that even doing the small act can rile up your nervous system. So go back to getting in your body (if you can, while you are doing the one small thing), then settling, then choosing one more thing (which may well be taking a rest).

Life will endlessly dish up challenges and difficulties. Just LOOK at all the posts I’ve written about this very thing here, here and here. You will do no one any good, especially yourself, unless you can get in your body, settle yourself, and then choose to act in a small way.

It may be that your small act leads naturally and easily to another. And it may be that your body and mind will need a lot of support to take each small step. Whatever is true for you, you will only know that truth if you stay in your body and let it show you the next small thing you can do.

* Ironically, one of the ways I know that I’m definitely NOT fine is when I tell myself and other people, “I’m fine. I’mfineI’mfineI’mfine.” Ha!

"The entire purpose of the human brain is to produce movement. Movement is the only way we have of interacting with the world."

~ Daniel M. Wolpert, Zoubin Ghahramani and J. Randall Flanagan, neuorscientists

Even after study and leading movement for more than two decades, reading the words of Wolpert, Ghahramani and Flanagan surprised me with their profundity. The whole point of our brain is movement. And like many profound statements, there is a quality of both “Wow” and “Oh yeah, of course.” This is Part 4 in 5-part series, Movement is the Point on movement qualities and how they support the health and functionality of the body and the brain. You can find Part 1 here, Part 2 here and Part 3 here.

“Movement is what we are, not something we do” – Emilie Conrad

All manner of things make me nervous. A volatile and dangerous political regime, sure. And emboldened and increasingly violent populace, absolutely. But also teaching (even after 24 years), posting blog posts, and delivering a pickleball serve.

The signs are familiar: a thrum in my chest, tightness in my shoulders and breath sipped only to my collarbones. These sensations tell me that I need to take steps...or rather, breaths.

Breath is integration. In any moment, breath takes nourishment from outside and releases what I don’t need from inside. Breath drops me in the center of the moment and gives me the resources to be with whatever is happening. What’s more, breath puts me in an integrated relationship with plant life that are breathing out what I need and taking in what I don’t.

The design of our human bodies is incredible (so says Susan for the many-eth time). Unlike other life-giving processes in our bodies, our breath is BOTH autonomic (that is, it does it on its own) and voluntary (we can change it when we need to).

If I was designing a body, knowing that it couldn’t survive without breath for more than a minute or so, I would make that function auto-freaking-matic. Just like the heart beats, our eyes dilate, and our gall bladder does its gall bladdery thing without our intervention, breath should do the same, right? And it is auto-freaking-matic, of course. Purely voluntary breathing would tax the brain unnecessarily and sleep would be impossible.

But what about when we jump into deep water? Or want to blow on the embers of a fire? Or calm ourselves down? The breath allows us to control it, too. Breath is both/and. It’s an integrated function.

A quick Google search will offer eleventy billion breath practices – everything from alternate nostril breathing to Wim Hof’s famous deep hold series. I’ve used lots of them in different situations. Here, however, are 4 breath techniques to use out in the world which need no hands, no special body position and don’t leave you looking kind of kooky in a Zoom meeting.

1. For Calming the Jitters: Get On Top of It / Double Exhale

When I’m about to make that tricky phone call or deliver a pickleball serve, I use the Get On Top of It / Double Exhale breath (I made up the name, can you tell?). Take a full breath in through your nose and at the top, take another sip of air. It might feel like you’ve fully inhaled but (just like my Grampa would say about Jello), there’s always room for a little more. Once you’ve “gotten on top of it,” then fully let go with two big forceful exhales. You can do this a few times in a row, but for me, even one of these settles the jittery jitters.

2. Scattered Mind: 1 To 5 Breath

When my mind is ping-ponging all over the place, I use the 1 to 5 breath that I learned from Josh Korda on his DharmaPunx podcast. Simply inhale and silently say to yourself, “One.” Exhale and say, “Two.” Inhale, “Three.” Exhale, “Four.” Inhale, “Five.” THEN exhale, “Four.” Inhale, “Three.” Exhale, “Two.” Inhale, “One” and repeat the pattern. Inhaling on odd numbers, exhaling on even. It’s not complicated but it’s enough to engage my jumpy brain and settle her down.

3. Just Saw or Read Something Upsetting: Square Breath.

I have cut my news consumption way back in recent weeks, but inevitably, I read a headline or a story or an email that is upsetting. When I feel myself get activated, I often use the Square Breath (or what the military calls Tactical Breath). Simply inhale through your nose for 4 counts or heartbeats, hold for four 4, exhale for 4 and hold at the bottom for 4.

4. Getting to Sleep: Ted Lasso’s 4-7-8

One of the many things I love about the Ted Lasso series is its skillful treatment of mental health. In one scene, Ted is on the phone with his therapist in the middle of a panic attack. She assures him that she’s there for him and asks, “Are you doing your 4-7-8 breath?”

The 4-7-8 breath is a particularly calming breath that I use when I’m having trouble sleeping. Breathe in for 4 counts or heartbeats, hold for 7 and breathe out for 8. Repeat as often as you like. Then you and Ted and I can all relax.

BONUS: When in Doubt, Breathe More Out

These simple techniques are all well and good but the truth is that sometimes, I just can’t think of a single one of them. When that happens, I remind myself, “When in doubt, breathe more out.” Extending your exhale even just a liiiittle longer than your inhale, reassures your nervous system that it can downshift and settle. Even a little makes a big difference.

Of all the movements that our bodies do, breath is the one that embodies who we are. It indicates when we feel under stress, it supports us without us thinking about it and also allows us to choose how we show up.

When you think about it, breath and air integrate our insides with the environment around us. But what breath really invites is for us to think about it less and feel what it feels like to settle into and tend to whatever is unfolding.

BLOG

1. For Calming the Jitters: Get On Top of It / Double Exhale

2. Scattered Mind: 1 To 5 Breath

3. Just Saw or Read Something Upsetting: Square Breath.

4. Getting to Sleep: Ted Lasso’s 4-7-8

BONUS: When in Doubt, Breathe More Out

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