Movement is the Point: Chaos & Fire

"The entire purpose of the human brain is to produce movement. Movement is the only way we have of interacting with the world."

~ Daniel M. Wolpert, Zoubin Ghahramani and J. Randall Flanagan, neuorscientists

Even after study and leading movement for more than two decades, reading the words of Wolpert, Ghahramani and Flanagan surprised me with their profundity. The whole point of our brain is movement. And like many profound statements, there is a quality of both “Wow” and “Oh yeah, of course.” This is Part 3 in 5-part series, Movement is the Point on movement qualities and how they support the health and functionality of the body and the brain. You can find Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

---

First thing I do when I get out of bed in the morning is stack my pillows in order (firm, soft, firm) with all the pillow cases going in the same direction (open ends to the center, obviously).

I like order. I like organization. I like tidy and tucked in and hospital corners.

In her famous TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, Dr. Brené Brown said,

[Y]ou have to understand that I have a bachelor’s in social work, a master’s in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the ‘life’s messy, love it.’ And I’m more of the, ‘life’s messy, clean it up, organize it and put it into a bento box.’

Preach, Brené. I want life in a bento box.

So when life spirals into messiness – which, it always, always does -- I hate it. A lot. Just the word “chaos” sparks anxiety and makes me want to go fold towels into squares.

As a recovering English major, the root meaning of words is often where I go to understand something. But dang, even the word “chaos” is messy. News broadcaster, magazine editor, artist, illustrator, and gay-rights activist, Jok Church said,

Chaos does not mean total disorder. Chaos means a multiplicity of possibilities. Chaos is from the ancient Greek word that means a thing that is birthed from the void. And it was about that which is possible, not about disorder.

Intellectually, I get it – albeit haltingly. Chaos theory is an interdisciplinary area of scientific study which, as Wikipedia says, holds that,

[within] the apparent randomness of chaotic complex systems, there are underlying patterns, interconnection, constant feedback loops, repetition, self-similarity, fractals and self-organization.

OK sure. Water’s movements are highly complex and not without some consistency. Clouds move chaotically and constantly create new weather patterns. Fire is both wildly destructive and deeply generative.

I basically get how it works in nature and in big systems, but I am neither cloud nor burning star. How do I *live* with chaos in my body and my life when what I *want* is for my squares of tofu to line up and not touch my cucumber salad?

The first time I intentionally moved with chaos was in a 5Rhythms class more than twenty years ago. Instructed to move like boiling water or raging fire, I threw myself into it. I shook myself with all I had. It was a breathtaking amount of energy. But the next morning, my neck was sore from throwing my head around leaving me with a raging headache.

The thing was, I was moving with only one part of chaos.

The late 5Rhythms founder, Gabrielle Roth explained that

the important thing to realize is that chaos has two sides. It has a shadow side, and that's when it's not grounded, and that just is a panic....we're taking in so much information, and we're not grounding it, and we're holding onto it.

It's not passing through us. … We have so much data and … so much to hold on to that it's imperative that we have a practice where we can remember how to let go, that we have a practice that we can remember our feet.

Chaos is, in movement terms, the collision between flow and form, circles and lines, water and fire. It is, as the chaos theory scientists tell us, only *apparent* randomness. When grounded like a conduit, like a lightening rod, we can let chaos move through us rather than getting stuck and exploding in us.

I suspect that I will always stack my pillows and love a bento box. I suspect that chaos will always bring up trepidation in me. And if I can allow chaotic energy to move rather than holding or bracing and letting it get lodged in me, I can be with it without getting hurt.

And etymologically speaking, the Greeks remind me that it is from chaos that the most radically new things are born.

What Do You Wish You’d Known?

Graduation season is bittersweet; full of simultaneous feelings of sadness and joy. Last week, my beloved niece Olivia graduated from James Madison University. Seeing her in her glorious purple gown, her auntie was a puddle of tears. Memories rushed in of when she was born and my mom gave her a little pink ruffled onesie, when she could swing across the monkey bars without help, when she swam her first meet, when she went to prom.

After breathing through all the feels, I remembered when I graduated from college 37 years ago. It was an intense time for me: I was freaked out about being on my own. As I watched precious Olivia walk the JMU stage last weekend, I wondered: What did I wish someone had told me in May of 1986?

If I was to go back to myself on the quad at Bates College, this is what I would have told twenty-one year old me (and what I shared with already-wise Olivia).

---

10 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Graduated College

1. Plan B (and C and D etc.) Are Part of Life. There are lots of ways of living a life. Humaning does not just look like what you see others doing. Start where you are and give it all you have ... and don’t be surprised or afraid if things change (like they do). Pivoting, detouring or U-turning are not signs of failure ~ they can be wise responses to experience, opportunity and circumstance.

2. Habits Matter. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, writes that it is the small, consistent habits that make the biggest impact on who we are and the life that we lead. Instead of focusing on big dramatic actions, make tiny choices over and over that move you in the direction you want to go. Try to push a boulder and you’ll hurt your back. Lift one brick at a time and you can build a cathedral.

3. Sex Usually Doesn’t Look Like It Does In The Movies. Especially if you’re in a long-term relationship. The work of Emily Nagoski (Come As You Are book and podcast) and others educate about how the body and brain work, how pleasure happens and what is normal (spoiler: you are normal). You deserve pleasure and if it feels good to you and it’s not hurting anybody, that is a normal sex life.

4. Make Genuine Apologies. If you do something that hurts someone, apologize cleanly for your part in the situation without any expectation for forgiveness. Three important notes: (1) a genuine apology is never followed by the word “but…” (2) “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology and (3) when someone apologizes to you, all you have to say is, “thank you.”

5. Sleep Is Huge. Sleep is essential for brain, body and emotional health. While we don’t all need 8 hours, we do need full cycles of sleep to thrive. A lack of sleep impacts the body like drinking a bunch of alcohol, so don’t think you can do everything (like driving and taking a test) as well if you haven’t slept. If you can’t sleep, only stay awake in bed for 30 minutes: get up and stretch, read, do something off-screen that is relaxing for 30 minutes then go back to bed. Repeat as needed. If you’re not sleeping well, do whatever you can to support your sleep health.

6. Learn How To Regulate Yourself. We all get rattled and upset in big and small ways. Knowing how to settle your nervous system when you get jangled is a skill I wish I’d learned long ago. There are lots of ways to do it – breathe long exhales, shake your body, put your feet in the grass, squeeze your own shoulders, etc. Find what works for you so when you need to settle, you can.

7. The Greatest Gift You Can Give is Your Attention. There is no greater thing you can offer than your full and focused attention. Period. Distractions are everywhere these days which makes your presence with others an even more powerful gift. Similarly, empathy (as opposed to sympathy) is an essential nutrient for all humans. The first step to offering empathy is offering your full attention. P.S. Empathy never, ever starts with the words “at least.”

8. Rest Is Also Huge … And It’s Different Than Sleep. Our bodies and brains need breaks. It’s easy to get sucked into grind and hustle culture (that’s rooted in patriarchy and white supremacy ~ see Rest As Resistance by Trisha Hersey) and focus only on productivity. What can you do during the day to rest from working and producing? Take a walk. Daydream. Listen to birds. Lie down on the floor. Whatever rest is for you, it’s a radical, powerful act.

9. When In Doubt, Lead with Curiosity. The number of things you won’t understand in this world is enormous. When faced with one of these innumerable things, instead of getting defensive or insecure, do your best to get curious. “Tell me more about that” is something you really can’t say enough.

10. Clear Is Kind. Before speaking or acting, ask yourself if it is kind. Making the kindest choice you can is one of the most powerful things you can do. And as Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind.” Making and holding boundaries, asking for what you want and need, saying what is and is not OK is kind. It supports and builds trust in relationships including the one with yourself.

---

The full list of all the things I wish I’d known when I graduated is much longer than these ten. I’d love to know what you wish you could go back and tell your younger self. Please leave any wisdom in the comments below!

Olivia, Auntie & Mom — all wearing JMU purple. May 20 2023.

Congratulations, my sweet Olivia Jane and everybody graduating from anything. Go make a beautiful next act.

BRAVING to Trust

Like swallowing a stone, my stomach drops and collapses. A wash of heat burns up the front of me.

A loss of trust is sickening. Whether I have broken a trust with another, someone has broken one with me, or I have broken trust with myself, the sensation is the same — and it is wretched.

In the past few years, as I re-imagine my work in movement education, rethink my relationship with diet, fitness and wellness cultures, and reexamine my implicit biases and prejudices, I understand that I have caused harm and I have been harmed. Trusts have been and continue to be broken. Realizing this is never easy but it is an essential step to rebuilding and repairing.

As I wrote about not long ago, encouraging people to trust themselves and their bodies is at the core of my work. Our culture lures us at every turn to look outside ourselves for how to do everything from building our careers to nurturing our relationships, from breaking habits to deciding what to eat. And while experts often have wise insights to share, if we don’t fully trust those experts (or if we give them unearned trust) and if we don’t fully trust ourselves, we will eventually feel the sting.

Brené Brown’s latest book, Atlas of the Heart is a deep dive into eighty-seven of the emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human. In both the book and the audio book (which is beautifully produced and is full of additional examples and stories), Dr. Brown walks us through a framework for cultivating meaningful connection so we can understand ourselves and communicate with others with clarity.

Dr. Brown points out that trust is not an emotion but rather an essential underpinning for core emotions like love and belonging. Her research shows that in order to build strong, resilient relationships, it is crucial to build and maintain trust.

As a scaffolding of support for trust building, her team created a metric for aligning with and building trust that uses the acronym BRAVING. When she consults with organizations, this is the tool that is most often adopted and it is a format that is applicable not just to companies, but to all relationships – including the one with ourselves.

B R A V I N G to Trust

B – Boundaries

Set them and honor them.

Ask: Was I clear about what’s OK and what’s not OK? Did I respect the others’ boundaries and my own?

R – Reliability

Do what you say you’ll do.

Ask: Was I reliable? Did I follow my word?

A – Accountability

Own your mistakes, apologize and make amends.

Ask: Did I hold myself and others accountable? Did I do the work of repair when needed?

V – Vault

Share only what is yours to share.

Ask: Did I respect the vault and share appropriately?

I – Integrity

Choose courage over comfort; what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy. Practice your values; don’t just profess them.

Ask: Did I act with integrity with myself and others?

N – Non-Judgment

I can ask for what I need and you can ask for what you need.

Ask: Did I ask for what I needed? Did I allow others to ask for what they need? Was I nonjudgmental about needing help and other needing help?

G – Generosity

Extend a generous interpretation as possible; give benefit of the doubt, especially to those with the least power in the situation.

Ask: Have I been generous to myself and to others?

Look through these 7 guidelines and pick a couple to focus on in your relationships – especially the one with yourself.

Broken trust has painful and damaging implications for ourselves, our people and our communities — and none of us is likely to escape it. The brave choice of choosing to build and maintain trust may be uncomfortable at times. But BRAVING to trust creates a strong foundation that can withstand relationship changes and repair that stone-sinking feeling of broken trust.

The Empty Boat of COVID

It’s just a cold. Of course it is.

My husband just had one. Heck, most everybody I know has come down with some kind of snot onslaught in the past couple of months.

Saturday morning, I do a COVID test just to prove that I am clear. Just like I did before two surgical procedures and my cousin’s wedding. Just to prove that I am OK.

Because of course I am. As the first born of New Englanders, one of my core beliefs is that following directions keeps me safe. I’ve stayed healthy for 2 years and 11 months. I check in with the CDC. I wear a mask. Even when no one else does. I wash my hands for 20 seconds. Neti pot every day. Drink elderberry syrup straight out of the bottle. And you best believe, if there is a vaccine or a booster I’m eligible for, I’m right there pushing up my sleeve.

So when those two pink lines spring up almost immediately on the home test, my whole body shrinks. My stomach drops. It’s definitely positive.

But that can’t be. I do all the things. I listen to science. I followed the damn directions.

And yet. The two lines stare back at me.

My mind reels. I want to be angry at someone. I want someone to blame. But after staring at the test strip and seething for a bit, I take a breath. I know it’s nobody’s fault. Not even mine.

Buddhists tell a story of man who takes his boat onto a foggy lake. He sees another boat through the fog coming directly toward him. He waves his arms and shouts to get the other boat to change course but to no avail. The other boat slams right into him. He is furious and rushes to yell at the idiot who so negligently caused him harm. But when he looks, he sees there is no one in the boat. It’s just an empty boat on a lake.

COVID is an empty boat.

Researcher, professor and author Brené Brown tells a story about our tendency to blame. One morning, she’s standing alone in her kitchen, drops her coffee cup and immediately says, “Damn you, Steve (her husband)!”

It’s completely ridiculous (and hilarious) when she tells it but I do this all the time. Something bad happens and immediately my mind wants to know whose fault it is. Dr. Brown suggests that blame – even blaming ourselves – gives us an illusion of control. But blame is just a discharge of pain and discomfort. Her research shows that blame gets in the way of empathy and accountability.

My symptoms have been gratefully mild. After a couple of “bad cold” days, my body seems to be finding its equilibrium again. Perhaps me doing all the things contributed to the lessened symptoms. Perhaps not. Maybe I’m just lucky. Maybe they’ll flare up again. Who knows?

Could I have done anything to avoid losing my COVID virginity? Sure. I could stop all indoor contact with others but I know that has risks of its own. I stand by the choices I’ve made – both following directions and taking “connection risks” – since I’m a human being, not a cluster of cells in a petri dish.

Could the world have avoided this collective, 3-year global trauma? How would we ever know? Rather than casting blame at our favorite targets, what if we used that energy toward accountability? Blame is just a bunch of yelling at each other, barfing our pain and discomfort. Accountability requires self-examination and the willingness to ask others to do the same.

COVID is an empty boat. I’m grateful that I had a relatively easy ride in it. The only thing I would change is my knee-jerk reaction to blame. The next time I feel my blame tendency about anything, I hope instead to put that energy toward compassion for myself and for all of us.

Kindness: A Post in Headlines

Bullying is everywhere. Just look at the headlines. And make no mistake: even small acts of kindness can change its course.

---

I Wish They Had Just Loved Me Instead

“We know, when it comes to fat shaming and bullying, that this visceral [parental] desire to take away the harm [done to our children] can result in parents who cause more harm. Up to half of youth experience weight-based teasing from family members.” ~ Virginia Sole-Smith, Burnt Toast

As an awkward 8-year-old, I was a favorite target of two vile neighborhood brothers. They’d lure me in with the promise of inclusion and belonging only to (literally) throw sand in my face.

When the bullying brothers tore my backyard playhouse to the ground, my father stood up for me. He confronted them and required them to tell their parents what they’d done and apologize to me. I shudder to think of the punishment their father gave them (where they learned their ways, no doubt) but it didn’t stop them from being wretched pills for as long as I knew them.

Who hasn’t been the brunt of jokes and bullying at some point in their lives? It’s baked into the hyper-toxic masculinity of our culture. The only way you’ve escaped is if you’ve been the perpetrator. Even if you learned bullying from a parent, use bullying as self-protection, or if you bully with the intention of “toughening up” your kid, it never ever does anything but harm.

---

(AP Photo/Rick Bowmer, File)

Family of Bullied Utah Girl Who Died by Suicide Files Claim

“Tichenor's death in November 2021 sparked massive outcry and a groundswell of anger over youth suicide, bullying and the treatment of children with autism. … Tichenor, who was autistic and the only Black student in her class, was bullied by students who said she smelled, made fun of her skin color, eyebrows and used racist slurs against her.” ~ usnews.com

My nephew, Atticus, no stranger to being bullied himself, became a leader in his local chapter of Best Buddies: an organization dedicated to ending social, physical and economic isolation of the 200 million people worldwide with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD). Atticus participated in programs designed to empower the special abilities of people with IDD by helping them form meaningful friendships with their peers, secure successful jobs, live independently, improve public speaking, self-advocacy and communication skills, and feel valued by society.

I picked him up once from a Best Buddies food drive when he was in middle school. As I pulled up, I watched from the car as he collaborated with and included everyone in the process. No condescension, no patronizing, just kindness, encouragement, and inclusion.

---

(AP Photo/Steve Helber) (Steve Helber, Copyright 2022 The Associated Press.

A gifted football player who was always trying to make people around him happy died in the UVA shooting. These are the victims

“Devin was what you wanted in a young person that’s at this level but he was just a big kid,” [UVA head football coach Tony] Elliott said. “The thing I remember about him is he always brought a smile to my face, because he just was happy with where he was, comfortable in his skin, and had a very bubbly personality.” ~ 13newsnow.com

What We Know About the Suspect in the Deadly University of Virginia Shooting

“His father, Chris Jones Sr., [said] Some people were picking on him and Jones Jr. said he didn’t know how to handle it, the father told WTKR of a conversation they had a month ago when his son visited.” ~ cnn.com

The UVA and Charlottesville community is reeling after a shooting on November 13, 2022, that left 3 football players dead. As I teach, talk, and interact with people in town these past few days, I notice more gentleness, tenderness with each other. It is as if the horror of what happens reminds us how fragile and vulnerable everyone and everything is.

My friend and teacher, Joy Brown, in the Age of Becoming community observed that

“with every natural disaster local to me I've been involved with - hurricanes, floods, ice storms, tornadoes - it's like all of our differences completely fall away and everyone who is able is helping everyone in need. I don't understand why we can't do this ALL the time and remind myself constantly that kindness is magic.”

The repercussions of meanness, whatever the source or the cause, are devastating. When in doubt, do the kindest thing you can think of. If you can include someone, do (while holding healthy boundaries). It doesn’t matter how small the kindness is. It matters.

Credit: Justin Ide, Washington Post

“We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as were meant to be. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache … The absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.”
~ Brene Brown

Words by Ian Maclaren, Image by Susan (and available at Books & Art (susanmcculley.com))